Patrick Noony (Last Remaining Virtuous Republican)

Saying that they "weren't taking any chances," Republican National Committee chairman, Michael Steele requested the Federal Bureau of Investigation to place Patrick Noony, a Bakersfeild, CA supervisor, in the witness protection program at an undisclosed location until late 2012.

"The scandals are killing us," admitted Steele. "Sex, drugs, promiscuity or just plain foot in mouth disease. You'd think we're Democrats. We've got to do everything possible to make sure we have someone who can run without dropping they're drawers and sticking his foot in his mouth. Then again, if we could get a guy who could actually get his foot into his mouth he wouldn't be getting into real trouble."