The Top 5 Best John F. Kennedy assassination theories

These aren’t necessarily the most plausible, or the weirdest. Just the best.

5. The Federal Reserve did it: The dweebs behind everyone’s favorite boogy man got their bow ties in a wad over Executive Order 11110 and had JFK assassinated.

4. Joe DiMaggio did it: JFK put the the United States on a decadent path (and had Marilyn Monroe killed), and our nation turned its lonely eyes to Jumpin’ Joe to restore righteousness

3. Homosexual Thrill Kill: In the words of Jim Garrison

“It was a homosexual thrill-killing, plus the excitement of getting away with a perfect crime. John Kennedy was everything that Dave Ferrie was not

Yeah, that makes sense.

4. The CIA meant to miss but hit:

disgruntled former CIA agents meant to stage an assassination attempt to guide the government to war with Cuba. But they missed and blew the president’s brains out.

5. JFK had himself assassinated:

dying of Addison’s disease, Kennedy

had himself assassinated.